Matthew 18:15-20 English Standard Version
If Your Brother Sins Against You
15 “If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. 16 But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses. 17 If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church. And if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector. 18 Truly, I say to you, whatever you bind on earth shall be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth shall be loosed[a] in heaven. 19 Again I say to you, if two of you agree on earth about anything they ask, it will be done for them by my Father in heaven. 20 For where two or three are gathered in my name, there am I among them.”
The Word of God for the Children of God.
Glory be to the Father,
and to the Son, and to the Holy Ghost;
as it was in the beginning,
is now, and ever shall be,
world without end. Amen, amen.
“Been there, Done that ___Ain’t Going Back!”
One of the most difficult things to face in life is when the church hurts you.
Part of the reason it is so challenging is that you expect church to be a safe haven. It’s one thing when people who don’t profess to know Jesus hurt you.
It’s becomes an entirely different scenario when those who know Jesus do the same thing.
In the boxing arena, there is a time honored saying that the punch that hurts the worst is the one you don’t see coming. For many of us, who have “been there and done that,” this is exactly how church hurt feels. It’s the punch you don’t see coming or even expect and that is the one that does the most damage.
If you stay in church long enough, then at some point, you may get hurt.
Not because people are trying to hurt you, but because people are human.
In their sinful human nature, even though they are Christians, they have the capacity to hurt you. However, this means the same potential lives in us, too.
The reality is if you are in church long enough, you could hurt someone, too. So, what do you do when you are the one who has been hurt?
The steps you take in the aftermath and how you immediately respond are critical. If you don’t respond promptly and correctly, this can set off a chain of reactions, like a mile long chain of dominoes, that can be difficult to overcome.
Step # 1 – Acknowledge It, Shout It Out Before God
Psalm 13 English Standard Version
How Long, O Lord?
To the choirmaster. A Psalm of David.
13 How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
2 How long must I take counsel in my soul
and have sorrow in my heart all the day?
How long shall my enemy be exalted over me?
3 Consider and answer me, O Lord my God;
light up my eyes, lest I sleep the sleep of death,
4 lest my enemy say, “I have prevailed over him,”
lest my foes rejoice because I am shaken.
5 But I have trusted in your steadfast love;
my heart shall rejoice in your salvation.
6 I will sing to the Lord,
because he has dealt bountifully with me.
When you get hurt by a church, sometimes you stop and ask in wonder, did that really happen?
I vividly remember being in a situation where someone made many accusations about me that were not only untrue, but completely miles far from the truth. My initial response was deep shock, as I could not believe what had just happened.
After the initial shock wore off and I recognized that what had happened was real, my shock turned to tears. My tears were my way of acknowledging the situation and not living in denial. This is a crucial step because you cannot begin the healing process without acknowledging the truth of what just occurred.
In these critical moments, it is okay to be upset, hurt, angry, or whatever other emotions you may feel. Remember that God will deal bountifully with your soul.
Emotions are natural and part of who we are, so it is okay to feel how you feel.
I am not about the business of telling you to act on those feelings but simply recognize how you feel in that moment.
This is where your healing journey will begin.
Step # 2 – Pray for Healing and Wisdom
James 5:13-20 English Standard Version
The Prayer of Faith
13 Is anyone among you suffering? Let him pray. Is anyone cheerful? Let him sing praise. 14 Is anyone among you sick? Let him call for the elders of the church, and let them pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord. 15 And the prayer of faith will save the one who is sick, and the Lord will raise him up. And if he has committed sins, he will be forgiven. 16 Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working.[a] 17 Elijah was a man with a nature like ours, and he prayed fervently that it might not rain, and for three years and six months it did not rain on the earth. 18 Then he prayed again, and heaven gave rain, and the earth bore its fruit.
19 My brothers, if anyone among you wanders from the truth and someone brings him back, 20 let him know that whoever brings back a sinner from his wandering will save his soul from death and will cover a multitude of sins.
The next critical step is to pray.
You might say prayer should be first.
If you pray first, there is nothing wrong with that. However, sometimes the moment of hurt is so deep, intense, it becomes all too challenging to pray.
It’s like the boxer who get hits and is a little woozy. Before they can continue to defend themselves or to fight back, they must first gather themselves. Once you have gathered yourselves, then you can pray. Here are some things you need to accomplish in prayer.
- Get your feelings out
- Allow God to begin the healing process
- Seek wisdom on how to deal with the situation
The reason these things are critical is that even though you are hurt, you don’t want to stay hurt. Some people get hurt by the church and they never recover from it. That’s why your initial responses are vital because getting them wrong can have unbelievably devastating, unrecoverable, long-term consequences.
Step # 3 – Get Your Feelings Out… Don’t Keep Them In
Psalm 42 English Standard Version
Book Two
Why Are You Cast Down, O My Soul?
To the choirmaster. A Maskil[a] of the Sons of Korah.
42 As a deer pants for flowing streams,
so pants my soul for you, O God.
2 My soul thirsts for God,
for the living God.
When shall I come and appear before God?[b]
3 My tears have been my food
day and night,
while they say to me all the day long,
“Where is your God?”
4 These things I remember,
as I pour out my soul:
how I would go with the throng
and lead them in procession to the house of God
with glad shouts and songs of praise,
a multitude keeping festival.
5 Why are you cast down, O my soul,
and why are you in turmoil within me?
Hope in God; for I shall again praise him,
my salvation[c] 6 and my God.
My soul is cast down within me;
therefore I remember you
from the land of Jordan and of Hermon,
from Mount Mizar.
7 Deep calls to deep
at the roar of your waterfalls;
all your breakers and your waves
have gone over me.
8 By day the Lord commands his steadfast love,
and at night his song is with me,
a prayer to the God of my life.
9 I say to God, my rock:
“Why have you forgotten me?
Why do I go mourning
because of the oppression of the enemy?”
10 As with a deadly wound in my bones,
my adversaries taunt me,
while they say to me all the day long,
“Where is your God?”
11 Why are you cast down, O my soul,
and why are you in turmoil within me?
Hope in God; for I shall again praise him,
my salvation and my God.
After you have gotten your feeling and emotions out to God in prayer, then it is time to get them out to someone else. I am not saying you turn on your camera and go blasting your entire life story on every available avenue of social media.
Not only is that unwise, but it will not allow you to heal in the way God requires.
It is best to speak with a trusted friend or counselor and let them know how you feel. The one you choose should be someone who can listen and not one who is going to respond emotionally. If you know that person is emotionally charged and their initial response is to get back, then choose someone else to talk to.
The point here is to first put the focus on you and how you are dealing with the situation. Not on those who hurt you. It is critically important for you to settle your emotions properly so that you can know how to move forward with God.
That’s why when someone has hurt you, before you deal with anyone else, the first person you must deal with is you. When you are hurt, it is possible that a seed of bitterness has been planted in your heart. If you don’t recognize it, you will give room for that seed of weeds to grow and establish a root in your heart.
This is where these things can go from bad to worse to unimaginably “nuclear.”
Step # 4 – Look for Support
Acts 9:26-27 English Standard Version
Saul in Jerusalem
26 And when he had come to Jerusalem, he attempted to join the disciples. And they were all afraid of him, for they did not believe that he was a disciple. 27 But Barnabas took him and brought him to the apostles and declared to them how on the road he had seen the Lord, who spoke to him, and how at Damascus he had preached boldly in the name of Jesus.
As you begin the long journey towards healing, it is helpful to have someone supporting you through this process. The reason I say this is that at some point it will be necessary to address the transgressions with the ones who hurt you.
The purpose of support is not to build an army in your favor but to build a system of support with people who can help you sift through your emotions, your motives, and ensure you are doing okay. That means being okay in your walk with the Lord and being reconciled with those in the body – the church.
Step # 5 – Approach Those Who Hurt You
2 Corinthians 5:11-21 English Standard Version
The Ministry of Reconciliation
11 Therefore, knowing the fear of the Lord, we persuade others. But what we are is known to God, and I hope it is known also to your conscience. 12 We are not commending ourselves to you again but giving you cause to boast about us, so that you may be able to answer those who boast about outward appearance and not about what is in the heart. 13 For if we are beside ourselves, it is for God; if we are in our right mind, it is for you. 14 For the love of Christ controls us, because we have concluded this: that one has died for all, therefore all have died; 15 and he died for all, that those who live might no longer live for themselves but for him who for their sake died and was raised.
16 From now on, therefore, we regard no one according to the flesh. Even though we once regarded Christ according to the flesh, we regard him thus no longer. 17 Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation.[a] The old has passed away; behold, the new has come. 18 All this is from God, who through Christ reconciled us to himself and gave us the ministry of reconciliation; 19 that is, in Christ God was reconciling[b] the world to himself, not counting their trespasses against them, and entrusting to us the message of reconciliation. 20 Therefore, we are ambassadors for Christ, God making his appeal through us. We implore you on behalf of Christ, be reconciled to God. 21 For our sake he made him to be sin who knew no sin, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.
This step may be the most challenging.
With reconciliation in mind, now is when you confront the ones who have hurt you. This can be even more frightening if the ones who hurt you are people who are in positions of leadership. You may wonder, perhaps even obsess over, how to even approach them or if they will even be receptive to what you have to say.
Honestly, everyone may not receive, even utterly reject, what you have to say.
Some will deny it, reject it, and possibly even reject you. However, this step is necessary not just for their sake, but for yours. Because you are not sure how people will respond, that’s why this is not the first step in the process.
You need to turn to God, search out His Scriptures, address how you feel first, which helps you correctly, Godly, judiciously approach this with that right perspective and without unforgiving malice, anger, or venom in your heart.
There are different ways to approach and deal with the situation. You may go directly to the one who hurt you. Depending on what occurred and who they are, you may need to work through the elder board or leaders of the church. If you are not comfortable with a face-to-face meeting initially, then it is appropriate to use gracefully written communications, whether that is a letter or email.
Hopefully, prayerfully, this will lead to reconciliation, but even if it doesn’t, you still need to let them know. This is a critically vital part of your healing process and it will also help guide you back to God for what your next steps should be.
Step # 6 – Forgive
Matthew 18:21-35 English Standard Version
The Parable of the Unforgiving Servant
21 Then Peter came up and said to him, “Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?” 22 Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you seven times, but seventy-seven times.
23 “Therefore the kingdom of heaven may be compared to a king who wished to settle accounts with his servants.[a] 24 When he began to settle, one was brought to him who owed him ten thousand talents.[b] 25 And since he could not pay, his master ordered him to be sold, with his wife and children and all that he had, and payment to be made. 26 So the servant[c] fell on his knees, imploring him, ‘Have patience with me, and I will pay you everything.’ 27 And out of pity for him, the master of that servant released him and forgave him the debt. 28 But when that same servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred denarii,[d] and seizing him, he began to choke him, saying, ‘Pay what you owe.’ 29 So his fellow servant fell down and pleaded with him, ‘Have patience with me, and I will pay you.’ 30 He refused and went and put him in prison until he should pay the debt. 31 When his fellow servants saw what had taken place, they were greatly distressed, and they went and reported to their master all that had taken place. 32 Then his master summoned him and said to him, ‘You wicked servant! I forgave you all that debt because you pleaded with me. 33 And should not you have had mercy on your fellow servant, as I had mercy on you?’ 34 And in anger his master delivered him to the jailers,[e] until he should pay all his debt. 35 So also my heavenly Father will do to every one of you, if you do not forgive your brother from your heart.”
You don’t know how the ones who hurt you will respond to you approaching them about it. In the best-case scenario, they will acknowledge how they hurt you and ask for forgiveness. Unfortunately, I and no one else can’t promise you that will be the case. There may not be a “Hollywood” ending to this scenario.
Regardless, your responsibility is to forgive them.
Remember that seed of bitterness that turns into a root I mentioned earlier?
Unforgiveness waters that seed and allows it to grow into a root. The longer unforgiveness stays wedged in your heart, the more work that is required to remove it. That’s why you must forgive. Not for their benefit, but for yours.
We have a friend who was very active in church. However, she had a situation where she was hurt badly by the church. Honestly, the situation was not good at all. In her case, the pain caused her to eventually walk away from the church and then we believe she even walked away from her relationship with Jesus.
I know the church represents Christ, but let’s be clear, the church is not Christ.
Don’t blame Christ for the actions of imperfect people. Jesus did not hurt you, they did. As difficult as it may be to do so, it is important for us to recognize this difference and separate them. If you don’t, this can cause you to be mad at God and blame him and curse Him for something he had nothing to do with.
That’s why you must forgive.
If not, then you give life to that hurt, it will permeate your life, and it will continue to hurt you repeatedly, harder and harder, throughout your life.
Step # 7 – Re-evaluate Your Relationship with That Church (Not All Churches)
Ecclesiastes 3:16-22 English Standard Version
From Dust to Dust
16 Moreover, I saw under the sun that in the place of justice, even there was wickedness, and in the place of righteousness, even there was wickedness. 17 I said in my heart, God will judge the righteous and the wicked, for there is a time for every matter and for every work. 18 I said in my heart with regard to the children of man that God is testing them that they may see that they themselves are but beasts. 19 For what happens to the children of man and what happens to the beasts is the same; as one dies, so dies the other. They all have the same breath, and man has no advantage over the beasts, for all is vanity.[a] 20 All go to one place. All are from the dust, and to dust all return. 21 Who knows whether the spirit of man goes upward and the spirit of the beast goes down into the earth? 22 So I saw that there is nothing better than that a man should rejoice in his work, for that is his lot. Who can bring him to see what will be after him?
If you have gone through these steps and even if you have forgiven, it will still be time to re-evaluate your relationship with that church or denomination.
While I believe all offenses can and should be forgiven, that does not mean it is always going to be possible to reconcile and restore all church relationships.
Sometimes the offense may be so egregious that while you forgive and still love those people, it may be time to seek other fields, find another place of worship.
Let me caution you should you deem it necessary to find a new church home.
Do your best not to judge every church based on your experience with that one.
I know this is difficult, but I have seen so many people write off every church because of their experience at one.
Hebrews 10:19-25 English Standard Version
The Full Assurance of Faith
19 Therefore, brothers,[a] since we have confidence to enter the holy places by the blood of Jesus, 20 by the new and living way that he opened for us through the curtain, that is, through his flesh, 21 and since we have a great priest over the house of God, 22 let us draw near with a true heart in full assurance of faith, with our hearts sprinkled clean from an evil conscience and our bodies washed with pure water. 23 Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who promised is faithful. 24 And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, 25 not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near.
Through the hurt and the pain, God speaks directly, and has called us to be in abiding fellowship with each other. As the body of Christ, we need each other.
However, in this situation, it may mean you need to have an abiding fellowship with a different part of the body of Christ.
If you decide to leave that church, that does not mean you have been handed an unlimited amount of credit to talk badly about that church, the leadership, and even the experience you had there. If you do that, then it is likely you may have not forgiven and you are yet carrying around seeds of bitterness in your heart.
That’s why I began this process with dealing with your wayward emotions first.
One Final Thought … God Still Loves the World!
John 3:16-21English Standard Version
For God So Loved the World
16 “For God so loved the world,[a] that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life. 17 For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but in order that the world might be saved through him. 18 Whoever believes in him is not condemned, but whoever does not believe is condemned already, because he has not believed in the name of the only Son of God. 19 And this is the judgment: the light has come into the world, and people loved the darkness rather than the light because their works were evil. 20 For everyone who does wicked things hates the light and does not come to the light, lest his works should be exposed. 21 But whoever does what is true comes to the light, so that it may be clearly seen that his works have been carried out in God.”
If you are in a situation where the church has hurt you, I can feel your pain.
However, through the pain I want to encourage you to deal with the hurt letting God and His love go before you and guide you, move you forward in His grace.
Don’t let it linger and fester because that is not good for you. Make sure you address all your emotions and feelings first and then go back and deal with that situation. This will not undo what was done to you, but at least it will position you alongside God to heal so this hurt does not dominate the rest of your life.
In the name of God, the Father and God the Son and God the Holy Spirit,
Let us Pray,
Loving God, Living God, Loving Hope, Living Hope, Loving Living Life His Way! "Many things are possible for the person who has hope. Even more is possible for the person who has faith. And still more is possible for the person who knows how to love. But everything is possible for the person who practices all three virtues." - Brother Lawrence (1605-1691), Practicing the Presence of God (1692). 